On My Knees Read online

I cocked an eyebrow. “I like them. I have them?”

  “I mean doing legs. Have you ever done squats?”

  I made no effort to disguise a grimace. He rested his hand on the long metal bar.

  “We’ll start with three sets of fifteen on this.”

  I went wide-eyed when he started toying with weights. “Whoa.”

  He paused, straightening again. “What?”

  “This is freaking me out. Can’t I just run on the treadmill for like a half hour and we can do those arm things from the other day?”

  He gave me a serious look. “You told me not to go easy on you, and I don’t plan to. Cardio is fine, but I want to focus on weight training, and you need to learn how to work all areas of your body.”

  “It may be worth noting that I’m not interested in having He-man legs.”

  “You won’t. Legs help you burn calories everywhere though. Gets your whole body to pay attention.”

  I cursed inwardly and huffed. “Whatever. Show me what I’m supposed to do, and let’s get this over with.”

  He walked me through the motions. We negotiated about the weights, agreeing that I could start with only the bar. He insisted I could do more, but I had no idea what I was doing. I had no interest in pushing the boundaries of my strength today. This was day one, after all.

  I did exactly as he asked, determined to stay focused. I didn’t want to look like a fool since I was venturing so far beyond my comfort zone in the work out department.

  “Perfect, Maya. You’re good at this.”

  I ignored his encouragements and the burn in my thighs as I pushed through the last set. Shit, this was hard. I powered through the last lift and returned the bar.

  “How do you feel?”

  I took a swig of my water and caught my breath. “I feel like this was a rotten idea. My thighs are on fire, and I want to die. How long are we doing this?”

  “I started you with the most intense set first. Should go easier from here. We’ve got another forty-five minutes. Don’t give up on me yet.”

  I groaned. He led me to some of the machines, instructing me as we went. He was right. The rest of the workout was less intense, but I was going to definitely feel it in the morning.

  He stood in front of me, arms crossed and legs wide, staring me down as I struggled through my last set of leg lifts.

  “Enjoying the show?”

  “You always this wiped out after work?”

  “Pretty much.” I counted silently in my head. Almost done.

  “So what is it? Stress, or just the work itself?”

  The thought of work weakened my already taxed muscles. “Can we talk about something else?”

  “I thought we were going to get to know each other better.”

  “Suffice it to say I’m not nearly as passionate about my work as you are about yours. It’s inconceivable to me that you are this peppy after my work day has long ended.”

  “Peppy?”

  “You’re like aglow with energy. Makes me sick.” I relaxed back into the seat of the machine, grateful for the break and praying that we were nearly finished.

  He smiled. “Maybe you have that effect on me. I’m not usually this energized on the second shift.”

  “I think you enjoy torturing me.”

  A ghost of a smile curved his lips. “Come on, next one.” He jerked his head in the direction of another machine.

  I glared at him.

  “What? You maxed out?”

  “If you burn me out tonight, I might not be back tomorrow. My couch and a glass of wine are looking really nice about now.” The prospect of forgetting the whole day with a drink tugged at me, a familiar craving I wasn’t used to denying.

  He twisted his lips and narrowed his eyes.

  “I’m not bluffing. There’s a reason I don’t work out,” I said. “I have zero will power.”

  “Fine. One more set, and we’ll call it done. But we’re doing abs tomorrow, and we’re going to go hard on those.”

  I rolled my eyes. I was never going to survive this. “I’ll be sure to run right over here after work then,” I said with no small amount of sarcasm.

  I finished up and escaped to the locker rooms before he changed his mind about sneaking anything else in. I took my time in the shower, letting all the tension leave my body. I was utterly spent. My head started swimming from the heat. I finished up and dressed, emerging makeup-less and ready for my bed, too drained to care about appearances.

  Cameron was waiting for me. He’d changed too, into blue jeans and a crisp white T-shirt. Somehow, the simple ensemble made a mouthwatering combination. I hadn’t forgotten how good he looked in and out of clothes.

  “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow for day two of hell,” I said.

  “Are you hungry? We could grab dinner.”

  “I’m good. I ate on the way here.”

  “How about tomorrow?”

  “I would, but Eli is having his new boy over so I can meet him before they go to a concert.”

  He chewed his lip for a second. “I’m afraid to ask about Wednesday.”

  I scuffed the toe of my tennis shoe on the floor. “I think I could do Wednesday. As long as you promise to go easy on me. I’ll be lucky if I can walk home tonight.”

  “I’ll escort you, just to make sure you get there safely.”

  I canted my head slightly. Cameron’s eyes glittered, beckoning me. A subtle surge of energy flowed through me. I wasn’t up for much, but spending a few more minutes staring at his gorgeous face could probably be penciled in.

  “You know, you’re kind of a stalker,” I teased.

  He grinned and caught my hand in his. My heart leapt at the contact. “Yeah, but at least you know what you’re getting into with me.”

  Did I? I pondered that as we started the short walk toward the apartment. “I’m sorry about Olivia,” he said.

  I didn’t say anything right away. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get into how not surprised I was by the tone of my second run-in with Olivia. Maybe he could assume that she’d spent our last year at school giving me the cold silent treatment, which was more than he’d given me.

  “It’s fine. But if you’d rather I didn’t come by anymore, I understand. I don’t want to make things awkward between you two. I realize she’s not my biggest fan.”

  “It won’t be awkward. I talked to her.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Great.” I couldn’t imagine that conversation and how awkward my next meeting with Olivia would be as a result. As a former friend, I remembered how ruthless she used to be when it came to her friendships. People were either in or out in her book, and I was most definitely “out” with no prayer of getting back “in.” I wasn’t petitioning anyone to get into her good graces either. She could glare all she wanted. I had my own life and my own friends.

  “She doesn’t usually come by in the evenings, but even so, it’s not something to worry about. You’re welcome at the gym anytime.”

  We stopped in front of the apartment. I stared at the ground, battling with my renewed doubts. Was this going to be worth it?

  “Hey.” He tipped my chip up so our eyes met. “I’m not letting her scare you off, okay?”

  His thumb grazed my lower lip, leaving a tingle in its wake. I exhaled slowly. Every time he’d casually or accidentally touched me tonight, my concentration scattered. Maybe he’d always have that effect on me. That scared me far more than Olivia’s scathing looks.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

  He nodded, releasing me slowly. Eager to be out of his grasp so I could think clearly again, I hurried up the stairs and disappeared into the apartment.

  I gave Eli a small wave on the way to my bedroom before collapsing onto my bed, letting exhaustion win.

  CAMERON. Having to hold back with Maya was beyond frustrating. I hated that I needed to. She was hesitant, and rightly so. We had to take things slow and get to know each other better. I could almost hear Darren’s snarky remarks
about going steady in my head. In truth, I wanted nothing more than to drag her into my bed. I had a feeling that’s what we both ultimately wanted, but rushing into a physical relationship would be reckless. We’d both been through too much.

  I entered my apartment quietly, hoping by some miracle that Olivia wasn’t home. I wasn’t in the mood to have it out with her again tonight. When I didn’t see her, I went to the kitchen and pulled out some leftovers.

  “Back so soon?”

  I jumped back and shut the refrigerator door. Olivia was leaning against the counter, her arms crossed tightly.

  “Don’t fucking sneak up on me like that. What do you want?” I tried to ignore her persistent stare.

  “Are you kicking me out?”

  I paused. “Do you plan on giving me a reason to?”

  She looked away, her lips pursed.

  “Is making Maya uncomfortable important enough to you to go back to Mom and Dad’s?”

  “Obviously not. And I’m not trying to make her uncomfortable. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. You really should rethink what you’re doing, inviting her back into your life.”

  “I’m a big boy, Liv. I appreciate the concern, but I can look out for myself.”

  “Have you thought this through, or are you going to rush back into something with her? That didn’t work out so great last time, you know.”

  “We’re not rushing into anything. We’re trying to get to know each other better, to be friends, before we decide if we want anything more.”

  She sighed. “God.”

  “What?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing.”

  “Liv, is this going to be a problem? I can’t really see myself kicking you out, but don’t make me consider it, okay? She’s important to me.”

  “You barely know her, and you’re putting her above me? Your own family?”

  “I’m not ranking anyone here. I know her better than you ever will, and this is the last time we’re going to discuss whether I decide to have her in my life. Understand? This is it.”

  She glared at me from under her lashes. I walked past her and went upstairs.

  MAYA. It was past midnight on Tuesday night when Eli walked in. He had raccoon eyes and a stupid smile on his face. I sat cross-legged in front of our small coffee table, sheets of paper scattered around me as I scribbled. I stopped when he walked in.

  “What are you still doing up?” His voice was high and slurred slightly.

  “Can’t sleep. I’ve replaced wine with caffeine,” I joked. If I was telling the truth, I would admit that Cameron was right. His regimen seemed to be giving me more energy while simultaneously wiping me out at regular intervals.

  “How was your workout with Cameron?”

  “Good actually.” Except my abs were fucking killing me.

  He raised an eyebrow. “You’re being super positive about this.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t mind it as much as I thought it would.”

  Somehow I’d resisted the urge to cheat on our bargain. Without a nightcap to look forward to, I had to fill my nights with something other than the slippery descent into inebriated bliss. My thoughts were sharper and my feelings more acute. That meant facing my emotional demons—many of them inspired by Cameron’s reemergence in my life—was more of a challenge lately. When I couldn’t shut them up with a glass of wine, I simply gave them a voice. I’d written more in the past week than I had over the past few months.

  “How was the show?”

  “Fantastic.” His smile was impossibly wide and giddiness rolled off of him. He’d had his fair share of wild concert nights, but this seemed exceptional.

  “Aaaand how did things go with blond boy?”

  “Show stopping.”

  “Do tell.”

  He dropped onto the couch behind me and sighed loudly. “I think he’s a keeper.”

  “Really?”

  “Could be new boy excitement, but it seems like we have a lot in common. We love all the same bands. And he’s a great kisser. And so fucking hot, my God.”

  I smiled, genuinely happy for him. “That’s great, Eli. I can’t wait to meet him sometime.”

  “I know.” His shoulders sagged. “I was bummed he couldn’t do dinner tonight. Did you go out with Cameron instead?”

  “No, we made plans for tomorrow. I’m sure he’s probably sick of me by now anyway.”

  “I doubt it.”

  “All he does is torture me, and all I do is complain.” True enough, but we seemed to be feeling each other out with humor. The banter helped me find some boundaries with him, and a little part of me enjoyed hurling fresh and clever insults his way.

  “You don’t talk about other things?”

  “Yeah, we do. Nothing too deep though, which is fine by me.”

  He leaned in, taking a peek at my notebook. I shut it quickly.

  “You’re writing?”

  “Yeah.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “Have you showed him any of it?”

  “Cameron?”

  He rolled his eyes and gave me a duh look.

  “No way. It’s way too personal for that.”

  “He probably doesn’t even know you write, does he?”

  “He used to.”

  “Do you write about him?”

  I took a long drink of the now lukewarm breakfast tea I’d been ignoring. “Sometimes. I mean, I used to all the time.”

  “And now.”

  I shrugged. His return to my daily life was conjuring thoughts that I’d never admit to out loud. I’d written them down for the sole purpose of putting them and the emotions they represented away. That’s how I’d gotten over him the first time, and that’s how I’d keep my head this time.

  “Read me something.”

  “No, Eli. This is like…therapy. It’s not really for sharing.”

  “Come on, I’m three sheets to the wind. I won’t even remember it in the morning.”

  I didn’t flinch.

  “Maya Jacobs, if you do not read me something, and soon, I will steal your notebook, photocopy it, and distribute it to every man you bring home for as long as you let me stay here and freeload.”

  I gasped. “You wouldn’t dare!”

  He grinned mischievously. “No. But you need to stop keeping all that shit to yourself. It’s awesome that you write it down, but that’s just the first step.” He blinked a few times. “Please?”

  I rolled my eyes, and reached for my notebook, and flipped through for something that was close to finished. I never wrote anything down with the intention of having it read. Skimming over the words, I imagined how any number of people would receive them. The exercise was nothing short of petrifying.

  “I don’t know, Eli. This is all really rough. I’ll work on something and read it to you tomorrow, okay?”

  He snatched up a loose sheet that was on the floor beside me. “This will do.”

  I reached to take it back but he twisted out of reach.

  “Relax!” He cleared his throat and his gaze darted down the page.

  I bit my lip, replacing it with my fingernail after a couple minutes passed. This was nerve-racking.

  “Eli, enough. Give it back. You’ve read it, right?”

  “I’m re-reading. Chill out, woman.”

  I took a breath and waited for him to lower the page. When he did, his eyes were more focused than they’d been before. “Maya, honey. Promise me that you will try to make this work with him. For your sake, for his sake. For my sake even.”

  I ripped my nail off and stacked the rest of the papers that were strewn about, tucking them safely inside the now worn notebook.

  The relief and satisfaction I’d relished moments ago at having poured my soul onto the page was quickly replaced with a frightening vulnerability. My heart and stomach seemed to be inextricably connected now, constricted over what I’d shared and Eli’s drunkenly honest assumptions about it.

  “Maya.”

  �
�What?” I rose.

  “Promise me.”

  “Goodnight, Eli. I’ll see you in the a.m., okay?” I leaned over to kiss him on the forehead and disappeared into my room.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CAMERON. We sat at a table in the quiet corner of the restaurant. The place was casual enough that we could swing by after the gym, but Maya had still spent extra time getting ready before we left. I’m not sure how she managed it, but her makeup was fresh, and her jewelry sparkled in the dim light of the restaurant. She was sexy as hell in an all-black ensemble, a scoop neck sweater that showed her cleavage and snug jeans that were driving me crazy the whole walk here. I wanted to think she’d dressed up for my sake, but I couldn’t be sure.

  I tried to reprogram my thoughts every time they wandered. I had to keep my head straight. We were still a long way from where I wanted to be in terms of getting to know each other. That’s what this week was about.

  “Tell me how you ended up working on Wall Street.” I still had a hard time imagining her crunching numbers for corporate America.

  “The company recruits right from the college, so it seemed like a good opportunity to make some money, pay off loans and what not.”

  “What’s your day like?”

  She shrugged, a wordless answer. “What made you decide to start the gym?” she asked.

  “You know, I wasn’t really interested in taking over the family business.” In all our dreaming about the future, no one had known better than Maya my desire to break away from my parents’ expectations. Degrees and suits and plans for the future that always involved some kind of bullshit ladder. She’d been hurt most by my joining the military, yet she’d supported it because it meant taking control of my future.

  She nodded. “I remember. Did they help you?”

  “No, I got the funds from investors. Somehow I managed to do it all on my own, which frustrates the hell out of them.”

  “I’m proud of you.” Her eyes softened with a warm smile.

  “Thanks.”

  “Why a gym?”

  “There’s not a lot to do in the desert, so I got pretty good at working out. Not exactly a page-turner as far as stories go.”

  That earned a small smile. “How long were you over there?”