On My Knees Read online

  “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” she finally said.

  “What do you mean?”

  The last of the martini slid into her mouth. She moved the glass away and swiveled in her seat to face me. She straightened her shoulders. “You said you wanted to be friends.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is that really true? I hate to kill the mood here, but I just need to know what I’m getting into. I mean, I run into Olivia one day, you track me down at work the next, and now here we are. We could keep dancing around this for the next few weeks if you want, or we can lay it out right now. If this is about sex and you’re just interested in a hook up, you can tell me that. I’m a big girl.”

  I blew out a breath. Shit, she’d never been this direct before. “Are you saying you’d be open to having a sexual relationship with me if that’s what I said I wanted?”

  She didn’t flinch. “Not necessarily, but at least I’d know what your intentions were. I heard the tail end of whatever you and Darren were talking about. Something about sleeping with me when you’re good and ready?”

  I winced, cursing Darren and his big stupid mouth. “I’m sorry, Maya. I really wish you hadn’t heard that. He was egging me on and...” I cursed, shoving my hands through my hair. There was no way to regurgitate that conversation in a way that didn’t make us both sound like grade A pricks. “I don’t have a hidden agenda, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  She shut her eyes and shook her head slightly, her expression softening. I relaxed a little, hoping she was going to let me off the hook for that slip up. I really, really hoped that’s what was happening. Otherwise Darren was going to get a beating of a lifetime.

  “Honestly, I don’t know if I can even be friends with you, Cameron. Nothing was simple after you left, and maybe some of that is still unresolved for me. Being around you is mixing it all up again, things I put away a long time ago. I’m not sure I want that in my life right now.”

  I couldn’t speak for a long time. She’d dropped a lot on me, and as usual, I wasn’t prepared for any of it. These impromptu reunion meetings were not my forte. How could I blame her though? I’d left suddenly and severed contact. We didn’t even have a chance to fight it out. So much had gone unspoken between us. I turned to face her, trying to rapidly collect my scattered thoughts.

  “If we’re being honest adults, then I’ll admit that being around you now makes me feel like I want more than friendship. But you’re not the only one who’s worried that even considering it is a terrible idea.”

  She nodded, her gaze cast to the ground. Her body language was so subtle, a slight hunch in her shoulders, a sad kind of aura settling over her features. My heart twisted at the thought of her hurting, especially because of me. I reached out, grazing the curve of her cheek.

  “I still care about you, Maya. That’s never going to change.”

  Her gaze flew up to mine, her eyes like warm caramels. She could always captivate me with a look. Her lips parted. The fear in my gut dissipated, replaced with the urge to hold her, to make her believe it again. That pull was returning with greater force each time we met. An inexplicable energy drew me to her, to her lips and her body. I wanted us so close that neither of us could think straight. But I couldn’t rush us into that.

  “Why don’t we just try to get to know each other for a while? It sounds strange to say, but it’s been a long time and I don’t know you that well anymore.”

  “I’ll save you the suspense, Cam. I’m not the girl you used to know. My life is...different.” She waved her hand, returning it to rub her forehead anxiously. “Just a hunch, but I have a feeling we have very different lifestyles that even friendship may not be able to accommodate.”

  I nodded. The fear that we’d already grown too far apart rooted in my gut, but I pushed past it. I couldn’t give up before we’d even started. That was worse than disappearing from her life years ago, a mistake I intended to rectify if given the chance. “We’ve both changed. That’s obvious.”

  “Maybe it’s not a good idea to go down this road right now.” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I mean, we can stay in touch. Facebook or whatever.”

  “Fuck Facebook.”

  She laughed. “Okay.”

  “Start by seeing me at the gym next week.”

  She looked away for a minute as if she were restoring her resolve. “You really think you’re going to get me to work out every day?”

  “Give me a week.”

  “No cocktails?”

  I hesitated a second. “No cocktails.”

  She canted her head to the side. “Says the guy holding an empty pint glass.”

  “This is an exception. Darren coerced me here. The bar isn’t really my scene.”

  “Now I know why he calls you old man Cam.” She gave me a crooked smile. The gesture saved me from bristling at Darren’s insulting moniker for me.

  “I don’t find mingling with random inebriated strangers especially fulfilling, no. I guess that makes me old.”

  “I’m not a stranger.”

  “No, you’re not,” I said quietly. Her long bangs fell across her forehead, resting on her eyelashes. I wanted to reach out to her again, to remind us both that we weren’t strangers. Even if it felt that way sometimes.

  “Okay, I’ll do the workouts, but I’m reserving the right to a nightcap,” she said, lifting up her finger to make her point.

  “You breaking the rules already?”

  She quirked her lips. “Are you going to be a stickler?”

  “Old man Cam. I have a reputation to live up to. Plus I’ll have a better chance of converting you to a paid gym member if you experience a full week of healthy living.”

  “And what if I decide that your workout regimen isn’t cutting it?”

  “It will.”

  “Your confidence is noted, but shouldn’t there be some sort of counter effort after I bust my ass and deprive myself for a week?”

  I shrugged, unconvinced that she’d possibly feel that way by the time we were through.

  “How about I take you up on this proposed week of fitness hell—because I can already see that it will be—and then we can celebrate my way. I can show you how I blow off steam and you can tell me how they compare.”

  I was intrigued. “How do you blow off steam?”

  “I dance.”

  “Uh, okay. Where?”

  “There are a few clubs I go to with friends. We toss back a few and dance all night. It’s a great workout. But I guess that’s not your ‘scene’ either.”

  “No, not really, but I’d like to be fair. And I wouldn’t mind spending some more time with you, so let’s do this.”

  She raised her refilled glass to my empty one, which seemed fitting.

  “Are we toasting?” I laughed.

  “I think it’s only appropriate that we do. Having little faith in your ability to convert me into a gym rat, I’d feel better if I bookended this experience with some vodka.”

  I raised my glass and clinked it with hers. “Cheers, then.”

  “To new memories.” She tipped the glass to her lips.

  MAYA. The waiter sat us by the window and the steady rush of traffic outside held my attention until Jia spoke.

  “So who’s the guy?”

  I gave her a blank stare. “Who?”

  “I mean the one who had you pressed against the building the other day.” Her lips curved into a secretive grin. “I was having lunch across the street when you came back.”

  I couldn’t see myself but I knew I’d turned beet red. Mortifying just wasn’t the right word. “Oh, God. I’m sorry. That was—”

  She laughed. “I don’t care. Looked pretty intense, actually. Is he your boyfriend?”

  “No. An ex.”

  “That’s always interesting. You getting back together?”

  I bit my lip and glanced across the restaurant, wishing the server would return so I didn’t have to divulge any of my confused th
oughts surrounding Cameron’s reemergence into my life.

  Rejecting his advances that day had been easier than it was to push away from his attempts to simply spend time with me. Letting him get close was too natural a reaction. I could almost fool myself into thinking we were young and in love again, that nothing or no one else mattered. Only I had no interest in falling in love with anyone. The mere thought of it scared the hell out of me. So did simply eliminating Cameron from my life again, even though that seemed like the only way to keep myself safe from any potentially painful fallout.

  Maybe taking him up on his offer was an emotionally reckless thing to do, but I wasn’t ready to see him walk away again. Plus this could be the shove I needed to get my ass into shape, and staring at his beautiful body wasn’t a bad way to do it.

  I looked back to find Jia waiting for my answer. “We’re catching up, I guess.”

  She smiled. “I see.”

  “Not like that. I mean, we haven’t seen each other in years, and we realized that we live in the same neighborhood. I guess I’m seeing how it goes, getting to know him again. I’m not really looking for a relationship though.”

  “I can see that. Not like work isn’t consuming enough. I don’t really have time for dating either. Serious dating anyway.”

  “Seems like you’re doing really well at the company.”

  She nodded, but I wanted to know more.

  “You’re young to have come as far as you have, Jia. I hope you don’t mind me saying that.” I hesitated as the words left me, briefly regretting them. She was being blunt asking me personal questions though. Plus she’d invited me here, not the other way around, so I might as well see what she was made of. The server came to take our orders, delaying her response, which made me even more nervous.

  As soon as he left she spoke. “Not at all. You’re saying what everyone is thinking, and I realize that. It’s not easy being a young woman in this field. Plus if you’re attractive, everyone assumes you’re fucking your way to the top.”

  I bit my lip, not wanting to let on that everyone I’d talked to about Jia had had something to say about her rumored history at the other firm. People were so shallow. Was that what I wanted if I ever managed to crawl out of my cubicle and get promoted? People speculating on the cause for any success I earned?

  “I know I’m younger than most of my male colleagues, but I’m not here to make friends,” she said. “This is my career, and I intend to keep it moving forward, no matter what.”

  “Me too. I just want to get the job done. But that never seems to be enough.”

  “It isn’t. You have to play the game. There’s no way around it.”

  My heart sank. She’d confirmed what I’d believed to be true and had refused to engage in for years now. “Don’t you find the politics tedious?”

  She shrugged and lifted the water glass to her lips “Not really. I consider it part of the job. You have to know what you want, and more importantly, you have to know what other people want. That’s the key.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “Look around yourself, Maya. Look beyond the numbers. Look at the landscape of the company and the people who make it up. Have you gotten to know anyone who you work with? Any of your superiors?”

  “Not really. I do my job. That’s what they want, isn’t it? I thought you said people shouldn’t be here to make friends.”

  “You listen. Good.” She smiled. “But no, they don’t only want you to do your job. Different people want different things. If you venture outside of your comfort zone a little, eventually you’ll find the connections that will open doors.”

  “Right.” My thoughts went to people like Dermott, my boss, or Reilly—hard and focused men who barely noticed people like Vanessa and me unless they happened to step on us. I wasn’t sure I wanted to open a door that they were on the other side of.

  “Consider me one of those doors.”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “I like you, Maya, and I’d like to help you, if you’re open to it.”

  “Help me?”

  “This is your career too. I’m assuming you’d be open to having a mentor, a friend?”

  “Well…yeah. I mean…” I didn’t quite know how to accept or acknowledge such a blatant offer of support. Jia seemed shrewd and charismatic. Being able to call her a friend was an intriguing opportunity all its own.

  “Good.” She smiled and reached out, feathering her fingertips over the back of my hand before returning to her meal. “I’m glad we did this.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  CAMERON. I’d cleared my schedule for the week’s evening training sessions. Maya had only committed to an hour each night, but I planned on taking her out after if she’d let me.

  Darren grumbled about picking up the slack, but I didn’t care. He owed me. I’d let him off the hook a few times so he could take off early to continue his training sessions with one of his new recruits, the flavor of the week. That routine was going to catch up with him eventually. As far as he spread his affections, his no-drama track record wouldn’t last forever.

  I leaned against the reception desk, making small talk with the young kid running it, when Maya arrived.

  “Hey.” I smiled, all too aware of how her mere presence lit up the room. But maybe that was just me. That I’d been waiting all day to see her became painfully obvious. She was still dressed for work, and her tired look tempered my excitement. “You okay?”

  She smiled too quickly. “Yeah. I’m good. Long day, you know.”

  “Right. We’ll make this quick then.”

  “Whatever. Don’t feel like you have to go easy on me.”

  I grinned. “I wouldn’t dream of it. Lockers are that way. I’ll meet you out here when you’re ready.”

  Before she could take a step away, Olivia walked in behind her. The smile she greeted me with quickly faded when she recognized Maya.

  “Hey, Maya.”

  Maya gave her a weak hello.

  Olivia flashed a subtle glare in my direction. “I’m guessing this isn’t another coincidence.”

  “Actually it kind of was. Maya dropped into the gym last week. She lives nearby.”

  Olivia nodded, her expression emotionless. “Uncanny.”

  Maya straightened. “I’m going to go change. I’ll be out in a bit.”

  As soon as she’d disappeared into the women’s locker rooms, Olivia started in on me, her voice hushed.

  “Do you want to explain to me what’s going on?”

  I crossed my arms and leaned against the front desk. “I don’t need to explain myself to you, Olivia.”

  “Like hell you don’t.”

  Christ, here we go.

  “You went to see her didn’t you?”

  I looked past her, refusing to answer. I wasn’t about to let my baby sister berate me. “Go home, Liv.”

  She shook her head. “I shouldn’t have told you. I knew it. I had a feeling something like this would happen. I don’t know what I was thinking. God, the stupid things you’ve done for her, and here we are—”

  “It’s fine. I wanted to see her, and it was friendly. She came to the gym today and we’re just catching up.”

  “No, it is not fine. She basically destroyed your life, Cameron.”

  “I think it’s safe to say that you’re being a little dramatic.”

  “You could have died on those deployments. Do you not think of that?” Her voice was strained, laced with the concern I knew she carried with her during those hard times.

  “You can’t blame her for a war that I drafted myself into.”

  “I sure as hell can. Don’t bullshit me and tell me she had nothing to do with you staying out there. She was the only reason you were out there as long as you were.”

  I clenched my jaw, forcing the words back down. “This conversation is over. If you came here to help, then help. If not, you can leave. I don’t need you hanging around here making her uncomfortable.”

 
“What are you saying?”

  I straightened, no longer casually shrugging off her comments. “I’m saying that if you continue to give me shit about this, or if you say anything to upset her, you can leave right now. This is my gym, and you’re living in my house. You may be my sister, but those are my rules. Get used to it.”

  Her jaw dropped, her small hands fisted tightly by her sides. More people came and went, which was the only reason she wasn’t cursing me out right now, I suspected.

  “Wow. I guess I know how I rank. So much for family.”

  Before I could say anything more, she stormed out.

  MAYA. I sat on the bench along the wall leaning my head back. I let my eyes fall shut, fighting the fatigue. I briefly contemplated grabbing my bag and sneaking out. With my luck, Cameron was probably still standing guard by the door, with Olivia, no less.

  Any semblance of politeness I’d enjoyed before must have worn off after our brief chance meeting, based on the narrow-eyed look she’d cast my way. The way she glared at Cameron had me unsettled too, like we were both in trouble.

  I’d had another soul-draining day at work, but somehow I’d gotten my ass to the gym for a workout that was sure to strip the last of my energy. Now I was going to be subjected to Olivia’s cattiness after a five-year reprieve?

  Determined to carry on, I rose and checked myself in the mirror. I’d pulled my hair into a tight ponytail and changed into a snug black sports tank and matching yoga pants. I sighed. Now or never.

  I emerged a few minutes later. I wrinkled my nose when the smell of sweat and metal met it. Across the room, Cameron was lifting what appeared to be an incredible amount of weight by a bar that rested across his shoulders. Where did he find the energy to do this all day long? I wanted to find a soft mat in the corner to take a nap on.

  I joined him as he returned the weighted bar to its cradle and shot me a bright smile. “Hey, you ready?”

  “You’re at a ten, Cam. I’m at about a two. Any chance we can meet in the middle?”

  He laughed. “I’ll see what I can do. How do you feel about legs?”