On My Knees Read online

  Who was I kidding? Probably not Darren, master of female manipulation. I asked because I simply had to know. In that moment, nothing had been more important than finding out if he and Raina had history.

  I hit the locker room and dressed quickly. The thought of her pursuing Cameron, regardless of his level of interest, pissed me off. That she might be trying to create friction between us so we didn’t get too close pissed me off even more.

  Five days with Cameron and I was already marking my territory—unbelievable.

  Cameron walked through the front doors as I was about to make my escape. Shit.

  “Hey, I was hoping to catch you before you left.” He smiled, his eyes bright.

  “Well you caught me.”

  I wished I could light up for him too, but I was too pissed off, too much in my own head to be cheerful for him.

  “Sorry, I got held up. I had some people doing some work at the house and had to stay late.”

  “It’s fine.”

  Raina passed us, smiling sweetly at him before meeting my gaze.

  “Hey.” He nodded casually in her direction.

  “Hey, hon.”

  Those two little words out of Raina’s mouth had me grinding my teeth. I scolded myself for caring. I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t care at all. I pushed past Cameron and headed toward the front doors.

  “Hey, where you running off to?” He grabbed my hand.

  “I’m heading out. I’m pretty sure this marks the end of my week of torture. That was the deal, right?”

  He frowned. “Is everything okay?”

  “I’m fine. Just tired. It’s been a long week, you know.” My body weakened as I said the words. Cameron was right that working out had given me more energy, but right now all I felt was wiped out. Now I was emotionally exhausted and draining by the minute.

  “Well, it’s Friday. You can take it easy now.”

  “I plan to. I have a date with a glass of wine. I think I’ve earned it.” I had a date with a bottle, but I figured I would omit that small detail.

  His eyes turned serious. “Maya,” he whispered, closing the distance between us and brushing my cheek. “What’s going on? You seem upset.”

  I leaned into his touch, my whole body relaxing with the contact. I wanted him to pull me into his arms the way he had before, like I was already his. Why? Why did I want him so damn much? Why couldn’t I keep him at a distance like everyone else?

  “Let me take you out. I can have Darren cover me tonight.”

  “No, I’m fine,” I insisted. “I have to go. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night. I gave Darren the details.”

  His brow wrinkled. I offered him a small smile, hoping he’d leave me be. The past day might have given me a little clarity, but now I was as mixed up as I had been the last time we were together.

  He released me and I pushed through the doors, relishing the cold. I needed air. I needed a drink. This week had been sobering, literally, but in that space Cameron’s presence had left me off kilter, more than usual.

  The truth was that deep down I wanted Cameron to myself. When we talked about more, as much as I’d kept the possibility indefinite, that’s what I wanted. Except I’d buried that person long ago. Being attracted to him was one thing, but wanting to secure that special place in his world as badly as I did was another. The way I’d reacted after my brief conversation with Raina indicated how far I’d already fallen.

  CAMERON. “What the fuck did you say to her?”

  I slammed the door behind us and Darren’s eyes went wide.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Maya. What you did say to her?”

  “I don’t know. We did a shoulder workout.”

  I caught his shirt and shoved him against the wall.

  “Tell me,” I growled, my adrenaline spiking.

  He shoved me back, confusion replaced with an anger that met my own. “Christ, get hold of yourself, Cam.”

  “She looked like hell when she ran out of here. You must have said something to her.”

  “Fuck.” He shook his head and rubbed his forehead. “Raina.”

  “What about Raina?” I frowned and took a tentative step back, not entirely sure I was finished with him.

  “Maya asked if there was anything going on between you two. I reassured her there wasn’t but that Raina’s got a thing for you. She seemed pissed about it for a second but then nothing. It was like she shut off. We went through the rest of the workout, and she didn’t say more than three words to me.”

  “Fuck.”

  I was all too aware of Maya’s ability to shut someone out from what she was really thinking. I struggled to think of what would have upset her so much. I walked away and paced a line in front of the desk.

  “With your reputation, she probably thinks you were bullshitting her, trying to cover for me or something.”

  “My reputation?” He grimaced, the words laced with challenge.

  I faced him again. “We’re brothers, best friends, and we work together. She hasn’t seen me in five years, and I don’t think she’s seen you in here once without some woman all over you or vice versa. She probably assumes I’m on the same plan and she’s nothing but a new conquest.”

  “She isn’t a conquest? You haven’t had your hands all over her every time she’s been here? I’m not fucking blind, you know. What makes you so goddamn noble?”

  “You and I are not the same,” I gritted out, though my anger toward Darren was waning.

  “No? Because I don’t want to settle down and have a litter with the first girl who gets all starry eyed after a wild night?”

  We both caught our breath, a tense silence between us. This wasn’t the time or the place to get into Darren’s lifestyle with women. I had bigger issues to deal with. Something else—someone else—had inspired this cold attitude from Maya.

  “Sorry, this isn’t about you,” I finally said, though it burned me to utter the words.

  “Apology accepted.” He straightened and his furrowed brows ironed out. “Believe it or not, I want this to work with you two, Cam. I wouldn’t make things difficult between you intentionally. I hope you realize that.”

  I nodded. “I know. She’s…shit, I don’t know. It’s hot and cold with her. Every time I think we’re getting close to where we were, something happens, some shift between us and I feel like she’s slipping away. I can’t stop it because I’m afraid I’ll push her away completely. It’s driving me crazy.”

  “Yeah, I can see that.” He laughed. “You haven’t slept with her, have you?”

  I shook my head.

  “You think you’re going to screw everything up with her if you fuck her, don’t you?”

  “It’s a concern I have, yeah. I don’t want to rush into things, have her regret it, and freak out.” God knew, I wanted to, but she was cagey enough. The blowback from sleeping together too soon could be enough to push her away for good. The other night had proved that.

  “I know you think I don’t know anything about women, but Maya strikes me as the type of person who knows what she wants. Do you think it’s something she wants?”

  “I don’t think it. I know it.” She didn’t have to tell me outright, her body had. Small gestures, the subtle reactions of her body, the not-so-subtle reactions of her body. I could have capitalized on any number of them and had her, but still I held back.

  “Then what the hell are you waiting for? You’re just giving her more time to come up with some excuse not to, to push you away like you’re already afraid she’s going to.”

  “If all I wanted was to get her into bed, I could have done that already. Maybe she deserves time to decide whether or not it’s something she wants. I left her without a word five years ago and never looked back. I’m sure she harbors some doubts about whether this is even a good idea. I sure as hell have.”

  “Obviously not enough to stay away.”

  “True enough.”

  Darren shoo
k his head. “If you care about her that much, Cam, you should just be with her and see what happens.”

  I sighed, beginning to feel as tired as Maya had looked when she pulled away from me tonight. I wanted nothing more than to track her down at her apartment and get to the bottom of this, but maybe we both needed a night to think and make sense of what all of this meant between us.

  “I’m heading home. Can you cover me tonight?”

  “Sure. I’ll see you in the morning.” He waved me off.

  I walked home, more certain than I’d ever been that I wanted Maya. There was no question. She wanted me too. Nothing could convince me otherwise. As I walked back home, to what would surely be another restless night, I resolved that whatever had changed in our lives wasn’t enough to keep this from working.

  CHAPTER NINE

  MAYA. I’d spent nearly every weekend in recent memory at the club, partaking in all manner of drunken fun. Eli, Vanessa, and I would glam ourselves up and dance the night away, rain or shine. Every weekend was an adventure. Who would we meet, and what vodka-induced debacle would we get ourselves into? Between the three of us, we’d usually be able to get a good story and a few laughs out of the night. Some nights I’d rather forget, of course. At the rate I was going, tonight could very well be one of those.

  While I usually relished the inevitable air of excitement before going out, tonight was different. Bringing Cameron into my world would be strange, and a part of me dreaded it. I didn’t want my world to revolve around his presence, but whenever he was near, it inevitably did. Maybe tonight he’d realize I wasn’t girlfriend material and back off. Where there was drinking involved, anything could happen.

  “Almost ready?” Eli poked his head in and handed me a fresh glass of wine. I eagerly accepted it. I needed to take the edge off. The edge was getting duller by the minute but my stomach was still in knots.

  “Almost.”

  “You look hot.” He smirked, looking pretty fresh himself in leather pants and a tight black v-neck. His hair was expertly gelled and his eyeliner rivaled mine.

  With my free hand, I tousled my hair once more. I’d chosen a tight red mini dress and put enough product in my hair to ensure that I looked perfectly windblown and sexy for a night of gyrating. I caked on the eyeliner, eye shadow, and mascara, making a mental note to periodically check myself for raccoon eyes throughout the course of the night.

  “I bet Cameron’s never seen you dressed for the club.”

  I ignored his comment and put on some sparkly hoop earrings.

  Eli leaned against the counter, staring at me. “What’s up with you two? Are we still pretending that you aren’t hot for each other?”

  “We can’t keep our hands off each other. Everything’s just moving too fast.”

  “That’s never been a complaint of yours before.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Sorry, but I’ve seriously never seen you agonize over a guy like this. Ever.”

  “That’s because no one else has been Cameron.” I blew out a breath and fidgeted nervously with the mascara. “I almost pulled a nutty on that yoga chick at the gym. She’s got a thing for him, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. We’re not even officially in any kind of relationship and I’m ready to cut a bitch. It’s too much.”

  “Whatever goes on between you is going to be more intense because you’ve already been in a relationship with him.”

  “I know that, but I thought I could keep this under control. It’s not under control at all though. I’m already starting to have feelings for him again and it’s way too soon for that.”

  “You’ve always had feelings for him.”

  “I wasn’t always falling in love with him, and at least for now, I’d like to keep it that way.”

  “Don’t you want a second chance at...you know, whatever you had?”

  “Part of me wants that, I’ll admit.” I sighed, my heart sinking with what I was about to say. “But if I let myself fall in love with Cameron again and it doesn’t work out, there won’t be enough pieces of me left to put back together.”

  Eli’s eyes softened and he held my hand, giving it a small squeeze. His silence spoke volumes. I was a hot mess on a normal day. I couldn’t crawl out of that kind of misery again and possibly survive. I wasn’t letting him anywhere near my heart again. I couldn’t.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. I feel like the sexual tension is seriously affecting my ability to think clearly about any of this.”

  “And…”

  “Maybe I’ll get belligerently drunk and sleep with him tonight. And that’s it. Get it out of my system and move on.” I leaned toward the mirror, rolled light gloss onto my lips, and smacked them together. What had this week been other than a series of opportunities to heighten the already acute attraction between us? Sleeping with Cameron had seemed inevitable. If I ended up drunk and wound up, dragging him to bed with me, then so be it.

  “Whoa, honey, do you hear yourself? You’re talking about him like he’s a hookup. I think we both know he’s not. You just said that yourself.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe I should start thinking of it that way. Maybe that’s where I’ve been wrong. This is why I don’t date, Eli. This is fucking why. Because of what we had, I let my guard down and let myself believe it could be more. But frankly, I can’t handle more. It’s probably best for both of us to keep this casual.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, hating the flood of emotion. Why the hell couldn’t I be objective about this? I’d managed to keep my heart closed off to men for five years.

  The buzzer went off.

  “That must be Vanessa,” Eli said quietly.

  I took a last look in the mirror and finished off the wine. This will be fine, I reassured myself. But like every other Saturday night, I had no idea what the next few hours would bring.

  CAMERON. Darren and I grabbed a corner couch at the bar across from the club. We drank our beers in silence while I mulled over his words from last night. I didn’t want to give him any credit, but he’d told me exactly what I wanted to hear.

  I had no idea how tonight would go down, but I was determined to let Maya know how I felt. With any luck, we’d end up back at my place, and I could show her. Maybe it was risky, but sometimes our bodies did the talking better than we did. I’d never regretted a night in her bed. I didn’t imagine anything had changed where that was concerned. Visions of her under me clouded my thoughts, and my cock twitched.

  Darren elbowed me back to reality. Maya approached with Eli and a beautiful, leggy redhead in tow. If Maya hadn’t been standing next to Eli, I might not have recognized her at all. She looked amazing, but I’d never seen her that way. All made up, her hair wild and untamed, her tight dress mid-thigh. I raked her in, highly aware that I wouldn’t be the only one doing that tonight. Already I could think of nothing else but hiking up her skirt and wrapping her legs around me.

  The comfortable silence between Darren and me erupted into an excited chatter among the group. I pulled my thoughts out of the gutter and rose to greet her. Sliding my arm around her waist, I pulled her close and kissed her on the cheek.

  “You look incredible.”

  “You like the dress?”

  “I love it. I’m just not sure how I feel about the rest of the world seeing you in it.”

  She offered a slanted smile, her body bending easily into the embrace. Something was off. She lifted her arm and gestured to the redhead.

  “Cam, Darren, this is my friend, Vanessa.”

  Darren rose quickly and shook her hand, shooting her his signature panty-dropping smile. “Pleasure to meet you.”

  “Likewise.” She returned the smile, blushing slightly. Her green eyes illuminated as they darted from me to Darren, her gaze lingering on him.

  Maya slipped out of my grasp and dropped herself on the opposite couch, pulling Vanessa and Eli down on either side of her. Slighted by the tease of her contact, I sat back down by D
arren and nursed my beer.

  Eli and the girls huddled over the cocktail menu. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Maya. Her dress left far too little to the imagination now that she was sitting. I imagined sliding a hand up her thigh to the flash of black panties I swore I saw a moment ago.

  Darren blew out a quiet whistle. “Oh, man. I’m all over that,” he murmured, too low for anyone but me to hear.

  His gaze was locked on Vanessa. I relaxed, grateful she was the one who had his approval. She seemed oblivious to his lascivious appraisal, caught up in ordering when the waitress arrived. Maybe Darren wasn’t going to be the best wingman tonight. Not that I really needed one, but the idea of clubbing sounded a little more bearable with him in the group. Still, I could see this going downhill fast.

  I lowered my voice so only he could hear me. “How about you not fuck Maya’s best friend and complicate things for me?”

  He shot me an annoyed look. “Really? You’re blocking me?” He sized her up again, tightening his jaw. “Does she have any more friends?”

  “Go prowl, Darren. I’m sure you’ll find someone drunk enough to fuck you.”

  He scoffed, seeming genuinely insulted. “Hey, screw you, man. I’m not that shallow or desperate.”

  We were two sides on the same coin sometimes. I didn’t like hearing about any of his frequent and meaningless conquests, and I didn’t expect him to understand my determination to save the only relationship that had ever meant anything to me.

  His gaze never left the expanse of Vanessa’s bare toned legs. “How about I play nice?”

  I hesitated, trying to imagine what he was proposing. “What does that mean? Get her to fawn all over you and then ditch her when you realize you’re not allowed to sleep with her?”

  “No. I’ll be my usual charming self. But we’ll all have a good time as friends. That low-key enough for you, old man?”

  I stared at him, skeptical of what he was proposing. I’d never seen him spend time with a woman without having a very singular motive in mind.

  “I’ll be good, all right? I get it. I’m not big on drama either, and if you’re going to keep Maya around, I don’t want it to be awkward.” He paused, waiting for me to give him the okay. “You know, I’m capable of interacting with women without taking them straight to bed.” He was getting pissed now, which was good. I wanted him to know I was serious.