On My Knees Read online

  Yet here I was, dancing with the devil who’d broken me beyond repair. The threat of rejection muddled with this undeniable attraction, a pulsing energy between us that had always pulled me under, deep into the throes of our love. Is that what he wanted again? After what I’d told him tonight, maybe he really was out to prove that he wasn’t like the rest. The reality was that he couldn’t be anything at all if I had any hope of saving myself.

  The silence between us stretched as we walked up to the apartment. No exchange was needed. I’d offered the unspoken invitation back at the park, and the dark look in his eyes had accepted. One step across the threshold and he had me pinned again. We tugged our coats off, and he roamed his hands freely across my skin where my sweater met my jeans, up along my ribs, daring to go higher. The sharp rise into my desire hit me, his own hard against me.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck. He circled my waist, lifting me high and tight against him. The friction between us was enough to drive me out of my mind. Lust burned through me, threatening my resolve, my better judgment, and all the carefully constructed rules I’d learned to trust to keep my heart safe.

  His mouth and hands moved over me, passionately claiming my body, the same one he’d once known so intimately. Nothing about this was tentative. Every movement held the promise of pleasure. Fuck, did I want him. In that moment, I let myself feel it all. I road it out until I was wet with need and ready to scream with the frustration.

  Our lips broke contact. I swallowed hard and caught my breath. I couldn’t surrender to this. Not tonight. Rational thought was breaking through. I caught his arm, pressuring it down.

  “I’m going to go change,” I said, my voice breathy, weighted with my doubt.

  He stared, confusion plain on his face. I pushed him gently back so I could make my escape. I couldn’t think straight with him so close, and I desperately needed to think instead of act on my raging impulses right now.

  “Make some coffee or help yourself to whatever. I’ll be right back.”

  CAMERON. Reluctantly, I let her go and she disappeared into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Clothes between us, and now a door. I scowled, irritated by the small things that separated us that had never used to. I shoved my hands in my pockets, not wanting to dwell on the fact that I’d personally created all the obstacles between us now.

  I wasn’t sure why she’d pushed me away. In an effort to distract myself, I walked around the small room, taking in its small details, wishing my frustration would ebb.

  She and Eli seemed to live simply, which surprised me. Everything about Maya since I’d seen her in New York had been about keeping up with some sort of unspoken standard. The way she dressed and put herself together most of the time ran in contrast to the simple girl I used to know, but her home seemed incredibly normal and moderate. Mismatched well-worn furniture adorned the room, and the only decorations were photos of her, Eli, and their group of friends. I studied the photos, unable to keep from smiling at the ones where she was laughing and posing. She looked like she was on the other side of fun in most of them, but she was happy. A dull pain burned in my chest. I wanted to make her that happy.

  I sat on the couch, willing myself to relax. What was taking so damn long? I wanted to find her in the bedroom, interrupt her wardrobe change, and promptly undress her. Press her against the wall the way I’d pressed against her moments ago, skin to skin.

  Fuck all. No. I leaned forward, propping my elbows on my knees. I had to distract myself so I didn’t come at her like a wild fucking animal. I couldn’t risk pushing her away. We had to take this slow. I repeated the mantra, desperate to convince myself. If we had any chance of achieving more in the long-term sense—whatever the hell that even meant in Maya’s new warped version of relationship statuses—we had to.

  I grabbed the remote on the table in front of me and switched on the television, muting the volume. I dropped it back down. Next to it, a black spiral notebook sat. Several loose pages were stuffed in and beside it. The sheets peeking out were scrawled with handwriting I immediately recognized as Maya’s.

  As I reached for them, Maya emerged. I lifted my gaze to her. She was dressed in yoga pants and a hoodie. Her eyes were wide with concern that hadn’t been there before. She walked to the table and quickly stuffed the errant papers into the notebook. Taking a few steps away, she held the book close to her chest.

  “Everything okay?”

  Her lips parted. Her gaze was fixed on me. “Everything’s fine.” Her voice wavered. She set the notebook on the shelf behind her. Joining me on the other end of the couch, she pulled her legs under her and stared at the soundless television.

  She shivered, tightening her hold around herself. Something had shifted between us over the course of the past few minutes. I had no idea why. All I knew was I wanted her in my arms again.

  “Come here,” I whispered, holding my hand out to her.

  Her gaze flickered, casting up at me from under her eyelashes. “Cam, we shouldn’t—”

  Before she could talk me out of it, I reached for her, pulling her close so her legs fell over my thighs, the rest of her body cradled against me.

  Without another word, her body relaxed, melting into me. The shivers stopped and there was only the sound of our breathing. Afraid to speak, to bring attention to whatever had suddenly come between us, I simply held her. I’d been without her for so long, I had no right to want more, to ask for more. This was enough. For now, this was enough.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  MAYA. I stared blankly at the screen in front of me. The numbers and letters blurred. All I could think about was Cameron’s mouth on me, his body crushed against me. The attraction hummed between us. I’d pushed him away just in time. One more second against the wall and my already weak willpower would have snapped like a twig. If I hadn’t interrupted the moment, I had little doubt we would have spent the night in my bed instead of curled up on my couch watching bad television until we couldn’t keep our eyes open.

  If Cameron had been anyone else, I would have slept with him without a second thought. When it came to men, I was impulsive, yet always carefully guarded. I’d been this way for years, never saying no to a vice or a pleasure that could bring me through a difficult moment right into the next. Cameron was turning into both a vice and a pleasure of the most dangerous variety.

  I wanted him, and he wanted me, but as we climbed the stairs to the apartment, a little voice that knew better had reminded me that something more was at stake—my heart, the same one he’d destroyed when he left me the first time. The same destruction I’d written about and that I really hoped he hadn’t read. The thought of him looking through that window into the world of my words was exponentially worse than facing Eli’s inebriated opinions.

  I closed my eyes, trying in vain to lessen the torrent of emotions. Being with Cameron now was like a slow dance, and every time we met, we came closer. We touched more, laughed more. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t fight the way he made me feel from one minute to the next, which varied from massive irritation to the potent desire pulsing through me at the moment. God, what I wouldn’t do to be in his arms now. One of these days I’d find myself pressed against him, begging him for more, drowning out that tiny voice of reason, and very likely barreling headfirst into inevitable heartbreak.

  I groaned inwardly and crossed my legs, painfully aware of how badly I wanted him. My body remembered him, regardless of my mind’s better judgment. My skin heated with the memory of his touch. Unless one of us had the good sense to stop it, sleeping together wasn’t a matter of if, but when.

  I jolted when the phone on my desk rang. I picked it up and my boss’s predictably curt voice came through the receiver.

  “Maya, come see me in my office please.”

  “Sure, I’ll be right there.”

  I took a deep breath and my mind spun over what he’d want to meet me about. Kevin Dermott rarely had anything nice to say to me. Since I’d been at the
company, he’d only spoken to me to note a shortcoming or highlight what he wanted me to do next. Positive reinforcement was a foreign concept to him.

  I walked into his office. He was poring over some papers at his desk but motioned for me to sit at one of the chairs facing his desk. Dermott was in his mid-forties and predictably clean cut, with a crew cut of dark blond hair and a gray suit that highlighted the gray in his eyes. He was an attractive man, and I might have counted that among his qualities if he weren’t such a prick most of the time. He wore a simple platinum band on his ring finger, reminding me that I wasn’t the only woman who had to tolerate him.

  “You were late from lunch today,” he said.

  “Yes, well, I—”

  “I’m expecting those reports today, as we discussed.”

  “I’ll have them to you within the hour. I’m almost done.”

  “Good.”

  Never mind that I’d worked through most of my lunch. I decided not to bother defending myself. He was in the mood to railroad me so I didn’t want to spoil his moment. Instead, I sat patiently waiting for him to continue.

  “The holiday party is next week. Assuming you’ll be attending?”

  “Yes, of course.” I’d planned to attend out of sheer obligation. Sober mingling with dozens of people who I had the displeasure of working with on a daily basis was not my idea of good times. If I had anything to drink, I’d end up telling every last one of them what I really thought about them, as I was apt to do at the end of every Saturday night.

  “The company officers will be there. There’s a deal coming through that we’ll need extra hands for, and they may be interested to know who will be involved.”

  “Are you saying you want me to be involved?”

  He sat back in his chair and looked me over. “Despite your attitude, yes. You’re one of the best people I have. This would be a good opportunity for you, that is, if you don’t have other plans for the holiday. It could run into Christmas.”

  “I don’t actually.” I almost relished the idea of being able to work through the holiday so I could distract myself from the reality that everyone around me would be celebrating. Eli and Vanessa had their families, and every year I turned down their invitations to celebrate with them. Something about tagging along seemed even more depressing than waiting out the day on my own.

  “Good choice. Consider yourself on the team. We’re starting on the paperwork today, so plan to stay late.”

  Perhaps because Dermott’s offer was laced with an insult, I couldn’t quite celebrate it. He was giving me an opportunity, picking me among the mass of cubicle dwellers, to help with a deal that could set me apart. I reminded myself of Jia’s advice. I should jump at this. Play the game.

  “No problem. Let me know what you need.”

  A half smile twisted his features. I resisted the urge to tell him to fuck off. Instead I returned it with a perfectly polite subordinate smile.

  “I will. I’ll look for those reports shortly too.” He straightened and shifted his attention back to his papers, scribbling his pen across some documents.

  I took the signal to leave. Stepping out, I nearly ran into Jia.

  “Hey, did you just talk to Kevin?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did he mention the Cauldwell deal?”

  “He didn’t mention it by name, but I assume that’s the one.”

  “And you agreed?”

  “Of course.”

  “Perfect.”

  The twinkle in her eye made me wonder if she’d been behind the whole thing.

  “I’ll be working on it too. It’ll be great to have some friendly company. Speaking of, what are you up to this weekend?”

  “Uh, I don’t know yet,” I lied. Our rapport was launching forward pretty quickly. I’d already told her about Cameron and how much I couldn’t stand my job. I wasn’t sure about confessing how I partied hard every weekend. That seemed to go against the professional progress I’d very recently made.

  “I might be grabbing drinks with a couple friends on Saturday night. Maybe we can meet up,” she said.

  “Sure.”

  “Sounds good. Email me your number. I’ll text you with details.”

  I agreed and returned to my desk, trying unsuccessfully to make sense of this new development at work. First Jia’s unexplainable eagerness to be…friends? And now this new opportunity to work on an important deal. At least this would be a welcome distraction from Cameron, who’d taken over my thoughts with a vengeance this week.

  Alex was by in a matter of minutes to grill me about the meeting with Dermott, seeming shocked that I’d been chosen for this all-so-important responsibility. When he left, I reoriented myself with what I was working on. I smiled as a different kind of energy surged through me. I hated to get my hopes up, but maybe between work, Cameron, and this new health kick, I was getting my life together after what felt like years of simply living and getting by.

  I texted Cameron that we’d have to miss our workout tonight. I registered a pang of regret that I’d miss seeing him, but we could probably use the space. Things had become too heated last night, and I needed some time to figure out how I was going to handle all of this tension between us.

  The next evening, Dermott let us leave early, for no other reason than he had plans on a Friday night.

  I poked my head into the gym’s small office in the back. I was dressed, energized, and oddly eager to start tonight’s torture session. I’d gone almost forty-eight hours without seeing Cameron and he was nowhere in sight.

  “Where’s Cameron?”

  Darren looked up from the computer screen. Around him, the desk was overflowing with stacks of paper. “He had to take care of something back at the house. He said I could work with you tonight.”

  “Why didn’t he just call me?”

  “I think he probably thought you’d skip your workout.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Jerk.”

  He laughed. “He might be back before we’re done. You can tell him yourself.”

  “You don’t have to babysit me, Darren. I think I can probably figure things out for myself today. Thanks though.”

  I turned to leave when Darren stopped me. “Hey, what’s the plan for this weekend? Cam said you guys were going out.”

  “Oh.” I hesitated. “Yeah.”

  He stared blankly ahead, apparently waiting for more details.

  “We usually hit up Muse. We can meet you guys for drinks across the street before we head over.”

  “You want us to pick you up?”

  “No, I have to coordinate with Vanessa and Eli anyway. We’ll probably be there around ten.”

  “Who’s Vanessa?” He cocked an eyebrow, a gesture that instantly worried me.

  “A friend. You’ll meet her.”

  He nodded and turned back to his work. “Cool. I’ll see you out there in a bit. I need to finish up this schedule.”

  I walked back toward the free weights. I rested my hands on my hips, noting a new sense of empowerment. Day five and though sore, I was a pro, or so I told myself. Who needs a personal trainer?

  I silently commended myself for moving up a weight class in my admittedly very low-weight division. I was up to 15-pound dumbbells and pretty damn pleased with myself as I lifted them easily. Small triumphs. I caught Raina’s reflection in the mirror as she approached me. She was dressed for one of her yoga classes.

  “Hey, Maya. How’s it going?”

  “Going great, you?”

  “It’s been busy. Mind if I join you?”

  “Of course not. Go for it.” My self-esteem took an immediate hit when she grabbed a heavier set and went through her motions with perfect form.

  “So Darren tells me you’re Cameron’s ex. Is that right?”

  I set my weights down for a break. “Yeah, something like that.” I hated being called Cameron’s ex. The term seemed too negative when we were trying to rekindle something positive—a friendship, or something that m
y body definitely wanted to be more than friendship.

  “That’s funny.”

  “Why?”

  “He’s never mentioned you, that’s all.”

  What the hell does that mean?

  I reached for the weights again, hoping to mask my irritation with another set. I pretended to ignore her, but I followed her movements through the rest of my workout, hating her impressively toned body with every minute that passed. Cameron and she could be the perfect couple on the cover of some fitness magazine. My energy waned at the thought.

  Why would she say something like that unless she and Cameron had history of their own? He didn’t strike me as the type to talk relationships with just anyone, but maybe she wasn’t just anyone.

  Before my thoughts could run away any further, Darren returned.

  “Hey, sorry about that.”

  “No worries. Raina and I were just catching up,” I said with an unmistakable hint of sarcasm. Was I posturing over their yoga instructor?

  “Want to do some shoulder work?”

  “Sure.” I didn’t care as long as it brought me closer to the end of the workout and hopefully farther away from Raina.

  “So what’s the story with her?” I tried to keep my voice steady.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do Cameron and Raina have something going on?”

  He laughed. “No, definitely not. Much to her disappointment.”

  Despite Darren’s infectious grin, my earlier inkling of jealousy surged. I looked across the room, searching for her figure among the crowd. Why? So I could give her a dirty look? Christ, get a grip.

  Unable to find her again, I finished the last set with methodical determination.

  “You okay?” Darren frowned, concern wrinkling his brow.

  “I’m fine,” I mumbled.

  “There’s nothing going on with them, Maya. I can assure you that.”

  I managed a thin smile. “Thanks, but it’s really none of my business. I’m not even sure why I asked.”