On My Knees Page 9

  I did a quick tally in my head. “The better part of three years over a handful of deployments.”

  The sparkle of interest in her eyes dulled with a new emotion. “That’s terrible.”

  “It’s fine. I volunteered for them. Swapped with a few guys with babies on the way, otherwise I probably could have gotten away with one or two.”

  “I don’t understand. Why would you volunteer to go over there?”

  I thought back to that life—a life that could not be more different from the one I was currently living. Peace, sometimes quiet, and safety were simple luxuries that I often took for granted now. At the time it all made sense, but lately I wondered how I’d managed it. Now that I was on the other side, the only answer I could come up with was that I was a glutton for pain, that I needed to experience something as intense and disturbing as war to put the war in my heart into perspective.

  “I don’t know,” I lied.

  “Were you scared?”

  “It was stressful. I mean, I definitely saw things that I’ll never forget. But after awhile, you get used to it. There aren’t any bills or…I don’t know…superficial bullshit, like which store in the mall to shop for Christmas gifts. It’s simpler in a lot of ways. I think that was what kept me there, kept me going back. Every day being the same, like some sort of self-imposed purgatory.”

  I ran my thumb along the clothed edge of the table. Did she know that I’d served my time in the outskirts of hell because of her? That sometimes I’d wished for danger with a blind courage, trying to cure the dying place in my heart where she’d once been.

  “There were times when I’d been there for so long, I could convince myself that time was actually standing still. Every day looked the same as the last, with so many days still ahead of me.”

  “Yet you kept going back.”

  I nodded. “That’s what I thought I needed.”

  She worried her lip gently. “And then you left.”

  “When the time was right, I did. I finished up the last tour and came back ready to start over.”

  We were quiet for a long time. The stab of a few particularly heinous memories flashed through my mind—visions that my brain wouldn’t forget. I pushed them away, focusing instead on the beautiful woman in front of me.

  “So what made you change your mind and get out?” she asked quietly.

  “My family was understandably worried. They’d email me every other day asking if I was close to what was happening on the news. They just wanted to make sure I was still alive. I could have stayed in longer, but I didn’t want to put them through that anymore.”

  “And you like it here?”

  “I love it. Completely different, of course, but the business has been a great challenge. And I like the energy of the city. The possibilities, I guess.”

  “You never know who you might run into.”

  “You’re proof of that.”

  She smiled and my heart twisted. Thank God for chance meetings.

  “Are Olivia and Darren partners with the business then?”

  “No, Darren’s invested in his own way, but he can’t commit to a woman, let alone a business. He’s a great help though. Gives me a break and does well with the training.”

  “You two seem close.”

  I shook my head, guessing she gathered that from me cussing him out at the bar. “Yeah, at the end of the day, he’s my brother. What are you gonna do? He’s a pain in the ass, but somewhere under that thick skull he cares, I guess.”

  “You’re lucky.”

  I nodded. Olivia, Darren, and I were all independent in our own way, but knowing that we had each other meant the world sometimes.

  “And Liv needed a change,” I continued. “She’d been working for our father’s private equity company upstate. Not surprisingly she started to feel kind of smothered. Dad was trying to set her up with guys at work. He means well, but Mom was making wedding plans before she could blink, trying to track out her whole life.”

  “Sound stressful.”

  “Of all of us, she’s been the one they wouldn’t really let go of. After a while they gave up on Darren and me, but she’s their little girl. You know how she is. She didn’t want to let them down. But the whole situation started eating at her, so I told her to come stay with me for a while, help me get things organized with the business until she was ready to make her next move.”

  “How about you? Anything new with your family?”

  She sliced off a hunk of steak and popped it into her mouth, shaking her head. I guessed she didn’t want to talk about that either. She’d always been vague about her family. Her father was out of the picture early on, and her mother seemed to be a bit of a rolling stone. I had a hard time believing that Eli and Vanessa were the only significant people in her life since I’d left though.

  “So how does a beautiful, successful woman like you not have a boyfriend in this city?”

  Her eyes met mine. “You’re intent on figuring me out, aren’t you?”

  “Hell bent. Might as well start filling me in now.”

  She spun her water glass by its base. Light flickered off the liquid like a prism. “You might not like what you hear.”

  My body tensed in anticipation. “Let’s get it over with then. Spill it.”

  “I don’t really date.” Her voice was clipped. Her pink lips pursed slightly.

  “Ever?” I cocked an eyebrow.

  “I’m not joining a convent, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

  I tightened my jaw, not enjoying the fleeting thought of her with anyone who wasn’t me. I would have preferred the convent. “I didn’t think so, but what’s the alternative? Friends with benefits?”

  “Benefits. Relationships all come down to sex, anyway. It’s just simpler that way. No games, no drama.” She sighed quietly. “No one gets hurt.”

  Hell, who was this woman, and where was my Maya? I rubbed my jaw, no less tense, and tried to wrap my head around what she’d just told me.

  “Isn’t that a bit pessimistic?”

  “I like to think of it as realistic.”

  “Assuming that every serious relationship you have will hurt you?”

  “I’ve tested the theory enough to be convinced of it,” she said simply.

  The remark shut me up for a while. I got the strong sense that her theories were now overlapping with our history. Had the outcome of our relationship inspired this cold and emotionless perspective? We finished eating in silence, and I tossed my napkin on the table.

  “If you don’t date, I suppose technically this isn’t a date either. Am I interviewing to be the next notch in your bed post?”

  I laughed, but I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to know the answer. An imperceptible frown marked her brow.

  “This is us getting to know each other.” She gestured between us. Our eyes clashed across the table.

  “Sounds like that could get complicated.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I thought you wanted to be friends.”

  “I do. I also said I might want more. Call me crazy, but I thought that was something you were considering too.”

  “I’ve managed to avoid being in a relationship for years. I don’t plan on making an exception now.”

  I regarded her intently, searching for an indicator that she didn’t really buy into all of this. I couldn’t believe this is who she’d become, that deep down she didn’t harbor some of the same feelings that I did, the same desires I had started to want for us too.

  “So you think I’m just like everyone else then?”

  She closed her eyes, holding them shut a second too long.

  “I know you’re not.”

  MAYA. We walked through the park. Manhattan was lit up over the river, a thousand city lights danced across the water. I didn’t mind the cold when Cameron had me at his side, his arm draped over my shoulder, warming me and keeping me close. Tonight had all the earmarks of a date. I didn’t want to admit it, but Cameron was already a
n exception. He wasn’t like everyone else. Far from it, in fact.

  Cameron had been my first and only love, but holding it against him was difficult when, despite our painful past, I still wanted to be near him. Being together had always been easy, a natural state that neither of us had to work too hard at. Even with all the time we’d spent apart, that hadn’t seemed to change at all.

  When he reached for my hand I took it now, out of habit maybe. When he pulled me to him, I leaned in, reveling in the small touches, uncertain where each might lead. All my instincts responded to Cameron. Even my heart did—the battered soul of me that would have been safer at a distance.

  “I’m glad we did this.” The low hum of his voice vibrated through me.

  “Me too. Dinner was amazing. Thank you.”

  I’d eaten my fill, perhaps in defiance to this new health kick, but mainly because after working out all week I was perpetually starving. My stomach almost ached now from all the amazing steak I’d stuffed in it, followed by dessert.

  My fingers touched on the pack of cigarettes tucked deep in my coat pocket. The urge to partake in my post-food ritual tugged at me. I pulled out the pack and tapped one out.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I need a smoke. Do you mind?”

  He stopped us abruptly. “Yes, I fucking mind.”

  Before I could form a thought, he grabbed the cigarette from one hand and returned the offending object to the pack I held in the other.

  My jaw dropped at his boldness. “What are you doing?”

  “My rules,” he said simply, his expression tight with unmistakable determination.

  “There were no rules about smoking in our deal.”

  “When the hell did you start smoking?”

  “I don’t know. When life got stressful, I guess. Give them back to me.”

  He held them beyond my reach as I grabbed for them.

  “Do you want me to tell you I’ll give them back to you at the end of the week?”

  “Will you?”

  He hesitated a second. “No. Not a chance, actually.”

  I gritted my teeth, making a concerted effort not to stomp my foot. “You’re really starting to piss me off, you know that?”

  He stared down at me, a smirk turning up the corner of his mouth. “You’re cute when you’re pissed off.”

  “I am not cute.”

  “You are incredibly cute. Don’t sell yourself short.”

  I stomped my foot and groaned, trying like hell not to smile. I looked around us, wishing I could re-harness my original flash of anger. I bent down and grabbed a handful of snow and planted it directly in his face.

  He jolted back and yelled. “What the hell?”

  “Is that cute?”

  He brushed the snow off his face, revealing a broad smile. “That’s it. You’re getting it now.” He leaned and packed a snowball between his hands.

  “You wouldn’t,” I challenged.

  “Want to bet?”

  I took a few cautious steps back.

  “You better run,” he warned.

  He wound up and I ran, quickly finding a tree to shield me from the snowballs flying in my direction. I threw a few, landing none. This was easier when he wasn’t expecting the assault. I hid behind the trunk and prepped a fresh one when he circled behind me and sank me down to the ground. I was pinned under him, my back half stuck in the snow.

  I screamed, suddenly fearful of getting a face full of snow. “No, don’t!”

  “Are you sorry?”

  “Yes, I’m sorry. Please!”

  He hesitated, as if considering the sincerity of my remorse.

  “Please don’t,” I begged.

  “No cigarettes?”

  “Not a drag. I promise.” The choice was rash, but I was desperate. Also a tiny part of me—the part that wasn’t furious about being told what to do with my own body—was happy that he cared enough to say anything at all.

  He tossed away his ammo and relaxed against me. He held me in his gaze. The fog filled the air as we caught our breath.

  My smile faded as the reality of our position sank in. My ass was freezing, but the pressure of his body on me, his thigh between my legs, was warming me damn quick. Before I could come up with something to say to break the sexual tension, his mouth was on me.

  CAMERON. Her lips were soft. She sighed softly, melting into me the way she had so many times before. Her scent filled my lungs, a potent rush of memories with it.

  I wanted to taste her.

  I caught her hair and angled above her, opening her to me. Our tongues met, tentatively at first. A quiet moan hummed through her body, urging me to seek more of her mouth. She was so fucking sweet. Her hands fisted into my coat, never moving while mine roamed restlessly through her hair and along the soft lines of her face, down the front of her chest.

  “Maya…” Her name left me between breaths, momentarily clouding the years that had come between us, as if no time had passed. The dream of us, of who we’d once been, was suddenly real again.

  I cursed the layers of winter clothing between us. I wanted her breasts in my palms, every inch of skin exposed for my mouth to roam upon. I wanted to tease her and coax the desire out until she was trembling for it. I wanted her open for me, begging me to take her the way I’d wanted to from the moment I set my eyes on her.

  “Cam,” she breathed.

  I pressed soft kisses into her now swollen lips, dipping inside with tiny licks, silencing her. She pressed my chest.

  “What are we doing?” Her eyes were glossy, and her cheeks flushed with pink.

  I blinked away the blur of the overwhelming need I had for her body. I kissed her once more, not wanting the moment to end. “We’re making out in a snow bank. This is totally normal,” I whispered.

  She smiled under my lips.

  I slid my hand down her thigh and back up under her jacket to the band of her jeans. All joking aside, I was ready to make passionate love to her in a snow bank. Overwhelmed with the urge to touch her, to claim her skin and her body in all the places I’d once been, I slipped my hand over her belly and over the soft curve of her waist.

  She giggled, pushing my forearm down, and my hand slipped from her warm flesh.

  I stilled. “What?”

  “Your hands are freezing.” She laughed, the smile meeting her eyes.

  “Oh, shit. Sorry.”

  I went to move when she spoke.

  “Don’t stop.”

  She slid her fingers through my hair, stilling my retreat. Her tongue slid along her bottom lip. My balls tightened. Christ, I wanted this woman. My brain had no say whether it the right time or not. I needed to be inside her, and soon.

  I tightened my grip on her hip. “If I kiss you again, I’m not sure I’ll be able to.”

  “Then kiss me,” she whispered.

  She pulled me back down to her mouth, fisting her hands tightly, tugging at the root, a sure sign she didn’t want me to stop. I had no plans to.

  Time stood still. Nothing mattered but this closeness and having her in my arms. I kissed her jaw, her neck, then her mouth again until we were breathless. Nothing could stop me. Each motion heightened my urgency to have her, taking me higher.

  My head buzzed, my heart raced, and I had the unmistakable sensation that I was standing at the edge of a cliff. I had no idea what was at the bottom, but I knew if I slept with her, I would go past the point of no return. I loved her once, and if I fell for her again, I’d never have her out of my system. Yet for all my wanting to wait for the right time, tonight seemed as good a time as ever. And I could show her exactly how I wasn’t like any of the others who’d come before.

  The thought of wiping out the memory of any other man in her life spurred me. Sucking her tongue, I lifted her against my thigh, ensuring just the right amount of friction to drive her wild. She moaned, kissing me back with all the fervor I’d come at her with. I was impossibly hard, on fire despite the cold. I couldn’t stop mys
elf.

  Her small gasps and moans drove out the inconvenient fact that we were still making out in a snow bank until the sound of distant voices sobered me momentarily. I tore myself away from her lips and the frustrating exploration of her clothed body.

  “Damn it.” I caught my breath a minute. Begrudgingly I rose, lifting her with me.

  I was an odd mixture of wet and cold and hot and bothered by the time we got vertical again. I didn’t want to let her go, but frankly we couldn’t get much further without public indecency.

  “We should head back.” She brushed the wet snow off of her jeans.

  “Yeah, we should get you warm.”

  “And dry. I’m soaking wet.”

  I forced myself to ignore the alternate meaning to the comment, took her hand, and headed for the car, determined to break all her rules.

  MAYA. We drove the short ride back in silence, Cameron’s hand clasped around mine. The contact wasn’t casual, but rather firm, our fingers laced tightly together and resting on his thigh as he steered us back to my apartment. His gaze was intent on the road, the look of determination plain on his beautifully shadowed features.

  He squeezed my hand gently as I continued to stare in a tangle of wonder and worry. That simple touch was our only connection, but it was a meaningful one, like a thread between our hearts that had always existed, even through distance. Now with our reunion, that thread was tugging at my heart—hard and painful tugs that were increasingly difficult to ignore and pass off as the result of latent memories. They were the stirrings of new feelings mixed with the old.

  I’d banished those kinds of feelings from my life for too long to face them calmly now. I’d had plenty of lovers. They’d been good guys, most of them, not the sex-driven devils I made them out to be. In truth, relationships might have flourished without too much effort, but as soon as deeper feelings had begun to take root, I found myself withdrawing. At first, I’d done it subconsciously, blaming it on a lack of interest or some imagined fault or innuendo. Eventually I isolated the recurring moment of fear, the moment when their rejection had the power to hurt me. And I couldn’t go back there. Cameron had devastated me at the end. I’d toss back every fish in the sea to avoid feeling any of that again.