On My Knees Read online

  “I don’t mind.”

  She gave me a sad smile. The kind that told me she wished she could refuse, or turn the tables and buy my lunch instead. But who knew when she’d last had a full, decent meal? She drank away any money she had. I could tell because she was rail-thin. The old clothes she wore barely stayed on her. She chose booze over food, every time. That’s why people like Jerry shook their head.

  He took her order and hollered into the back again.

  I’d eaten all my chicken already and was taking my time with my fries now. I was at the point in my moderate hangover where food was the cure. I needed something in my stomach to ward off the rest of the day’s nausea. I checked my watch. Plenty of time still. I wasn’t like the rest of the cattle who stood in line for a half hour only to have cafeteria-style lunch stuffed next to a complete stranger. The long walk to Delaney's was always worth it.

  I reached into my bag for my notebook. The bag was one of those enormously impractical designer bags, filled with God knew what shit I definitely didn’t need to be hauling around with me every day. I finally found it and opened to an empty sheet. I clicked my pen a few times and set the tip to the page.

  I wrote about Stella, about all the things I thought about her. Things I imagined, having never really known her beyond this vantage at the other end of the bar. In a way, I was afraid I already knew her. I wrote a page and then turned it, flipping back and forth between the two, grabbing words until a poem formed. Then I rewrote it again, whittling it down further.

  Stella

  gray

  a damp, leafless tree

  arms branch across her face

  cold

  a barren, lifeless mother

  her soul prays for spring

  Something about the jagged sparsity of a poem settled me. Wabi-sabi or the minimalist imperfection of it, or maybe the simple knowledge that no one would understand it but me. I was fine with that, preferred it actually. I’d come to terms with the fact that most people I met would never really know me.

  I checked my watch again. Time to go. I paid Jerry and bundled up. I waved goodbye to Stella on my way out, but she didn’t see me.

  I lit a cigarette before stepping back into the cold. Menthols. My stomach protested again when I took a drag. Too many cigarettes last night. I really should quit. Despite that, I was warm now, a little loose, and ready to face the last half of the day. Hump day. Two more days. Two more days and then what? Maybe I’d finally get my shit together and go the gym or something. We’ll see how it goes, I thought.

  Lost in my fitness fantasy and the promise of a slightly smaller ass, I barely noticed the sound of my name. Seemed like I wasn’t in range of being recognized yet. I had a little way to go.

  “Maya?”

  I stopped short and looked up. A pretty girl with chocolate brown hair falling loose around her face stood before me. Her piercing blue eyes met mine.

  “Olivia. Hey. How are you?”

  “Good.” Her smile tensed with the short reply.

  We didn’t do the hugging thing, which is weird to do with people you haven’t seen in forever, but it was weirder now that we weren’t doing it. Like we had a good reason to not do that. I was certain she had her reasons.

  “I didn’t realize you lived here,” she said, breaking the awkward silence.

  “Yeah, I’ve been here since graduation. Working on Wall Street as an analyst.” I stamped out my cigarette, suddenly embarrassed by it. I wasn’t sure why. Not like I needed to impress her, but a part of me wanted her to know how together my life was now. Beyond that and the whiskey that likely lingered on my breath, I looked good. Expensive suit, expensive coat, stupidly expensive shoes. I tucked my hair—stylishly cut in meticulously straightened layers that fell down my back—behind my ear.

  “How about you?”

  “Just moved here actually. Still finding my way around. Thought I’d take a spin through Manhattan. I have a couple friends who live nearby.”

  “Picked quite the day for it.”

  “No kidding. It’s freezing.” She shifted her weight back and forth a couple times, staring down at the ground.

  Something told me she still hadn’t forgiven me for Cameron.

  “I should let you go, I guess. I have to get back to work.”

  She glanced up. “Right. Well, it was good seeing you, Maya. I’m glad to hear you’re doing well.”

  “Thanks, you too,” I replied awkwardly, realizing I hadn’t bothered to ask what she was doing. God, I was such a self-involved jerk now. I’m sure she could tell.

  “Okay, I guess I’ll see ya.” She gave a terse nod and slipped by me, heading in the direction I’d come from.

  I couldn’t think straight by the time I got back to work. I tossed about ten mints in my mouth and set to work.

  A couple people were out sick at the office so I picked up the slack. A few hours passed and I was caught up. Alone with my thoughts again until the markets closed.

  CAMERON. “You’ll never guess who I ran into.”

  Olivia peered over me as I pressed the weights rhythmically above me. I’d had a long day and it’d been an even longer night with little sleep. While I welcomed the distraction if it kept me awake, I was not remotely interested in gossip hour with her.

  “Who?” I grunted between silent counts.

  “Maya.”

  My grip slipped slightly but I recovered, pushing the bar back up onto its cradle. I sat up, letting her name echo in my mind until it conjured a vision I’d spent the past several years hoping to forget. My Maya?

  “Maya Jacobs?”

  She leaned on the mirrored wall across from me and answered with a quick nod that confirmed my suspicions.

  In the reflection, I saw the rest of the gym filling with members who hurried here after work, vying for prime real estate at the treadmills and ellipticals. The leisurely daytime mom crowd was being replaced by the nine-to-fivers. I usually tried to sneak in my work out between the two so I didn’t get caught in the fray. People in this city were intense, and after a year I was still getting used to it.

  “Where did you see her?” I tried to sound casual, but curiosity was already burning through me.

  She raised her eyebrows. “A few blocks off Wall Street. That’s where she works now, I guess.”

  “She works on Wall Street? You’re kidding me.”

  Her narrowed eyes were fixed on me, as if she were studying my reaction. “Please tell me you’re not still hung up on her after what she put you through.”

  I pushed off the bench and grabbed a towel, wiping the sweat from my face and draping it around my neck. “Just curious. I haven’t seen her in a long time. How’d she seem?”

  Olivia looked past me, seemingly distracted by a guy positioned at the bench press. I followed her gaze. One of the regulars. I frowned, making a mental note to keep an eye on him.

  She sighed quietly. “She seems different.”

  “That’s descriptive.”

  “Maybe you’ll run into her one of these days and you can see for yourself.”

  “There’s eight million people in the city. Doesn’t seem likely.”

  “I’m sure she’s the last person you want to see anyway. I mean, you haven’t seen her since—”

  “No, I haven’t.” The last thing I wanted to do was relive the day I left Maya, least of all under Olivia’s scrutinizing stare. She harbored a grudge that rivaled my own. “Listen, I’ve got to shower and take care of some paperwork. I’ll meet you back at the house for dinner, all right?”

  “Sure. I still need to straighten things up.”

  I eyed her warily. “Don’t color code my shirts or anything.”

  She laughed. “Not today. I will get you organized though, if it’s the last thing I do.”

  “I have my own system. Stop moving shit around.”

  “Right, good luck finding a woman when she gets a load of your organizational skills.”

  I waved her off and head
ed to the back of the building where my office was hidden behind another wall of mirrors. I sat behind my desk, staring at the piles of papers in front of me, not remotely interested in any of it.

  Olivia might have been right. Revamping the three story partially renovated condo I’d taken over as my bachelor pad was one thing, but I was getting in over my head with running the gym. When Olivia offered to help me out, I’d taken her up on the offer, figuring she was just as eager as I’d been to get away from our parents. I cringed at the thought of working for my father and letting them run any part of my life, as they were inclined to do with her. Thankfully they’d already given up on Darren and me.

  I was glad to give Olivia a stepping-stone to start the next chapter in her life, but she’d only been in town a couple weeks and already she was driving me half mad. Between that and the recent string of sleepless nights, I could hardly see straight.

  The door swung open and Darren walked in. “What’s up, man?”

  “Not much. Paperwork, I guess.”

  “Need any help?”

  I contemplated his offer, but my thoughts were too scattered right now. “Nah, I’m going to hit the shower and take care of some of this in the morning. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Sure thing. Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  He shrugged. “You seem a little off. You hormonal again?”

  “Fuck you,” I muttered.

  He laughed and shoved his jacket in a locker, replacing the fire department shirt he wore in favor of one with the gym logo on it. I’d asked him to come onto the team to help with training shifts so I could have some downtime. I paid the price with tolerating his daily dose of crude sarcasm. I often wondered how we shared a bloodline.

  “Hey, do you want to grab some beers this weekend? You haven’t been out in a while.”

  I hesitated, my thoughts drifting to Maya. Her name was like an old song, and I was struggling to remember the lyrics. Why was I doing that to myself? Like I needed another memory to haunt me.

  “Come on, man, you haven’t been out in forever. You act like you’re the old man. Have a few, meet some women, kick back a little.”

  Darren was the oldest. He was pushing thirty with a social life that easily surpassed Olivia’s or mine. Women flocked to the gym for a chance to train with him. We both knew what else they wanted, but so far he’d done a good job of not creating drama at work.

  “I’ll think about it, all right?”

  He gave me a twisted smile. “Just say yes, man.”

  “Yeah, fine. We’ll grab a beer.”

  “Cool.”

  I relaxed a little, glad he’d finished prying. I hesitated, contemplating what I was about to ask. “Hey, can you cover me for a few hours tomorrow? I might have to run some errands.”

  “Sure, I’m off all day.”

  “Thanks.”

  I took a long shower, ready for the day to end. My wet hair froze in a few seconds after I stepped outside. It was still snowing, but I walked anyway. You never knew what might happen on the streets of New York, who or what you’d see. Every day was an opportunity, and today was certainly living up to that.

  After an extended layover in the city on the way back from a tour overseas, I’d decided this is where I’d come when I got out. Turned out, four years and three tours were enough. Olivia was worried. Our parents were freaking out. I’d made a solid effort to crush out the memory of Maya in the desert, and when the time came to move on, I took it.

  Maya. I did a double take at every long-haired blonde I saw. Olivia said she seemed different. How? Would I even recognize her if I saw her? Maybe we’d already crossed paths in some random place, and I’d been too lost in my own world to even see her.

  No. I couldn’t miss her face.

  I still couldn’t believe Olivia had run into her after all this time. Proof that not only did she still exist somewhere out there in the world, but she was close.

  Close enough to find.

  CHAPTER TWO

  MAYA. I nearly slipped on the wood floors as I stepped into the apartment. A light snow had started not long before I came back to the office and my Manolos did not agree with the accumulation on my brief walk home from the metro.

  I steadied myself and kicked them off, grateful to be home and warm at last.

  “Home sweet home!” Eli sang from the living room, which was only two feet away, separated from the entryway by a partial wall. “You want some wine, hon?”

  “Sure.”

  I stepped farther inside as he rose from his perch on the couch. He was wearing his usual uniform, faded black skinny jeans and a T-shirt from one of the many concerts he’d attended in his illustrious and excruciatingly low-paying career as a freelance music journalist. He disappeared into the small closet that our landlord claimed was a kitchen.

  I carried on to my bedroom—entirely mine and, unlike the rest of the apartment, a decent size. We lived modestly, but I refused to sleep like a sardine. I had a queen-sized bed, and I could walk all the way around it. I stripped off my suit and found my oldest pair of blue jeans. They were faded and ripped in several spots. They felt like home. I pulled on a hoodie and padded out to the living room where Eli had just returned with two generously filled glasses of our favorite red.

  “Here you are, my sweet.” He handed one to me.

  “You’re amazing. Thank you.”

  “I know, and you’re welcome.” He smirked and settled back into the couch. “So tell me about your day. Did you see Vanessa?”

  “No, we were going to grab lunch, but her boss had her running around doing something.”

  “I’m surprised either of you made it to work based on how you looked last night. You two are pros.”

  I sighed. The discomfort of my earlier hangover was not nearly a distant memory. “Yeah, I barely survived. Don’t know about her, but I’m guessing she made it.”

  Along with Eli, Vanessa had become one of my best friends since I’d moved to the city. She was also one of the only people who could make a Tuesday night feel like a Friday night and didn’t judge me for it. Most people went hard in college. I blossomed a little late in that department, and Vanessa hated her job equally if not more than I did, so we commiserated often.

  I stared past Eli to our bookshelf filled with random books and framed candids from our various inebriated adventures.

  “You seem distracted. What’s up?”

  I met his gaze again, hesitating whether to tell him. Seeing Olivia was nothing, a blip in my day. But I hadn’t been able to shake it.

  “I saw an old friend today.”

  “Who?”

  “Olivia Bridge. We were friends in college.” I picked at the frayed fabric of my jeans, still in disbelief that I’d seen her. I’d run into plenty of people here. Tons of people, really. New York was like a Mecca for rich Ivy League kids, and that’s who I’d been rubbing shoulders with for years now. But I hadn’t seen Olivia since graduation. She hadn’t changed much, if at all. Physically she was the same beautiful, put-together girl who I’d shared a house with in college.

  Eli’s eyes went wide. “Wait… She’s not the one who’s brother—”

  “Yeah, she’s Cameron’s sister.” I said.

  “Oh, wow. I didn’t realize they were from around here.”

  “They’re not. I guess she just moved here, so it was pretty random.”

  “Was it awkward?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. She was nice enough.” She’d been guarded but friendlier than I remembered. She had spoken to me after all, but I suspected that the passing of time hadn’t eased the resentment she’d held toward me. As much as I didn’t want to care, I did.

  “Let me guess. You’ve been thinking about Cameron all day, and this is why you are in a super funk.”

  He cocked his head, his dyed black hair feathering over his forehead. We both knew he was right. I’d told Eli about Cameron before, so admitting he’d slipped back into my thou
ghts after a merciful absence wasn’t a big deal.

  I blew out a breath, still feeling thoroughly mixed up. Seeing Olivia threatened to resurrect an entire volume of unwanted memories. Cameron’s chapter in my life was ancient history, yet a familiar ache penetrated the fatigue and the dulling anesthetic of the wine when I thought of it.

  “I swear, I should be like one of those nine hundred number psychics or something.” Eli pulled a blanket down from the top of the couch and covered both of us with it. “Do you ever think about trying to reach out to him? You know, clear the air or something.”

  I shook my head. The memories felt ages old, but our breakup had been a painful one. Losing him had nearly broken me. I couldn’t relive any part of that.

  “You don’t think that maybe he might want some closure?” Eli’s voice was soft.

  “He’s the one who left. If anyone deserves closure, it’s me, but I don’t need it. I’m over it.”

  Silence fell between us, and I poured a second glass.

  “Do you ever regret telling him no?”

  I rolled my eyes, hating where this was going. “People don’t just run off and get married like that anymore.”

  Eli shrugged.

  “I don’t know anyone who could have said yes under those circumstances,” I continued.

  “Okay, but that’s not really an answer. Do you ever think about what would have happened if you’d said yes?”

  I had lived that day over and over in my mind, playing out any number of scenarios that didn’t end with me watching Cameron walk out of my life forever.

  “You know why I couldn’t,” I mumbled before a surge of anger rushed over me.

  While Cameron shunned his privilege, I’d had to claw my way past everything that threatened to hold me back, with more than my own survival to think of. Nothing was as simple as everyone seemed to think it was. I’d explained this all to Eli, but he was still poking me about it, stirring up my guilt all over again.

  “Whose side are you on, anyway? You’re a shitty therapist.”

  “I said I was psychic, not a licensed shrink. And you know I’m on your side. I get it, but things are different now. All I’m saying is that obviously you two really cared about each other. Maybe enough time has gone by that you could reconnect and at least be friends.” He reached over and patted my leg over the blanket. “Everyone can use closure, trust me. Emotions were running high, but he’s had time to calm down. You both have.”